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hen the desire to go on living。
You have to fight it。 That's what I tell Elaine Connelly； my special friend。 It's gotten better for me since I started writing about what happened to me in 1932； the year John Coffey came on the Green Mile。 Some of the memories are awful； but I can feel them sharpening my mind and my awareness the way a knife sharpens a pencil； and that makes the pain worthwhile。 Writing and memory alone aren't enough； though。 I also have a body； ay now be； and I exercise it as much as I can。 It was hard at first … old fogies like me aren't much shakes when it es to exercise just for the sake of exercise … but it's easier now that there's a purpose to my walks。
I go out before breakfast … as soon as it's light； most days … for my first stroll。 It was raining this morning； and the damp makes my joints ache； but I hooked a poncho from the rack by the kitchen door and went out； anyway。 When a man has a chore； he has to do it； and if it hurts； too bad。 Besides； there are pensations。 The chief one is keeping that sense of Real Time； as opposed to Georgia Pines Time。 And I like the rain； aches or no aches。 Especially in the early morning； when the day is young and seems full of possibilities； even to a washed…up old boy like me。
I went through the kitchen； stopping to beg two slices of toast from one of the sleepy…eyed cooks； and then went out。 I crossed the croquet course； then the weedy little putting green。 Beyond that is a small stand of woods； with a narrow path winding through it and a couple of sheds； no longer used and mouldering away quietly； along the way。 I walked down this path slowly； listening to the sleek and secret patter of the rain in the pines； chewing away at a piece of toast with my few remaining teeth。 My legs ached； but it was a low ache； manageable。 Mostly I felt pretty well。 I drew the moist gray air as deep as I could； taking it in like food。
And when I got to the second of those old sheds； I went in for awhile； and I took care of my business there。
When I walked back up the path twenty minutes later； I could feel a worm of hunger stirring in my belly； and thought I could eat something a little more substantial than toast。 A dish of oatmeal； perhaps even a scrambled egg with a sausage on the side。 I love sausage； always have； but if I eat more than one these days； I'm apt to get the squitters。 One would be safe enough； though。 Then； with my belly full and with the damp air still perking up my brain （or so I hoped）； I would go up to the solarium and write about the execution of Eduard Delacroix。 I would do it as fast as I could； so as not to lose my courage。
It was Mr。 Jingles I was thinking about as I crossed the croquet course to the kitchen door … how Percy Wetmore had stamped on him and broken his back； and how Delacroix had screamed when he realized what his enemy had done … and I didn't see Brad Dolan standing there； half…hidden by the Dumpster； until he reached out and grabbed my wrist。
〃Out for a little stroll； Paulie？〃 he asked。
I jerked back from him； yanking my wrist out of his hand。 Some of it was just being startled … anyone will jerk when they're startled … but that wasn't all of it。 I'd been thinking about Percy Wetmore； remember； and it's Percy that Brad always reminds me of。 Some of it's how Brad always goes around with a paperback stuffed into his pocket （with Percy it was always a men's adventure magazine； with Brad it's books of jokes that are only funny if you're stupid and mean…hearted）； some of it's how he acts like he's King Shit of Turd Mountain； but mostly it's that he's sneaky； and he likes to hurt。
He'd just gotten to work； I saw； hadn't even changed into his orderly's whites yet。 He was wearing jeans and a cheesy…looking Western…style shirt。 In one hand was the remains of a Danish he'd hooked out of the kitchen。 He'd been standing under the leave； eating it where he wouldn't get wet。 And where he could watch for me； I'm pretty sure of that now。 I'm pretty sure of something else； as well： I'll have to watch out for Mr。 Brad Dolan。 He doesn't like me much。 I don't know why； but I never knew why Percy Wetmore didn't like Delacroix； either。 And dislike is really too weak a word。 Percy hated Del's guts from the very first moment the little Frenchman came onto the Green Mile。
'〃What's with this poncho you got on； Paulie？〃 he asked； flicking the collar。 〃This isn't yours。〃
〃I got it in the hall outside the kitchen；〃 I said。 I hate it when he calls me Paulie； and I think he knows it； but I was damned if I'd give him the satisfaction of seeing it。 〃There's a whole row of them。 I'm not hurting it any； would you say？ Rain's what it's made for； after all。〃
〃But it wasn't made for you； Paulie；〃 he said； giving it another little flick。 〃That's the thing。 Those slickers're for the employees； not the residents。〃
〃I still don't see what harm it does。〃
He gave me a thin little smile。 〃It's not about harm； it's about the rules。 What would life be without rules？ Paulie； Paulie； Paulie。〃 He shook his head； as if just looking at me made him feel sorry to be alive。 〃You probably think an old fart like you doesn't have to mind about the rules anymore； but that's just not true。 Paulie。〃
Smiling at me。 Disliking me。 Maybe even hating me。 And why？ I don't know。 Sometimes there is no why。 That's the scary part。
〃Well； I'm sorry if I broke the rules；〃 I said。 It came out sounding whiney； a little shrill； and I hated myself for sounding that way； but I'm old； and old people whine easily。 Old people scare easily。
Brad nodded。 〃Apology accepted。 Now go hang that back up。 You got no business out walking in the rain； anyway。 Specially not in those woods。 What if you were to slip and fall and break your damned hip？ Huh？ Who do you think'd have to hoss your elderly freight back up the hill？〃
〃I don't know；〃 I said。 I just wanted to get away from him。 The more I listened to him； the more he sounded like Percy。 William Wharton； the crazyman who came to the Green Mile in the fall of ‘32； once grabbed Percy and scared him so bad that Percy squirted in his pants。 You talk about this to anyone； Percy told the rest of us afterward； and you'll all be on the breadlines in a week。 Now； these many years later； I could almost hear Brad Dolan saying those same words； in that same tone of voice。 It's as if； by writing about those old times； I have unlocked some unspeakable door that connects the past to the present … Percy Wetmore to Brad Dolan； Janice Edgebe to Elaine Connelly； Cold Mountain Penitentiary to the Georgia Pines old folks' home。 And if that thought doesn't keep me awake tonight； I guess nothing will。
I made as if to go in through the kitchen door and Brad grabbed me by the wrist again。 I don't know about the first one； but this time he was doing it on purpose； squeezing to hurt。 His eyes shifting back and forth； making sure no one was around in the early…morning wet； no one to see he was abusing one of the old folks he was supposed to be taking care of。
〃What do you do down that path？〃 he asked。 〃I know you don't go down there and jerk off； those days are long behind you； so what do you do？〃
〃Nothing；〃 I said； telling myself to be calm； not to show him how bad he was hurting me and to be calm； to remember he'd only mentioned the path； he didn't know about the shed。 〃I just walk。 To clear my mind〃
〃Too late for that； Paulie； your mind's never gonna be clear again！' He squeezed my thin old mares wrist again； grinding the brittle bones； eyes continually shifting from side to side； wanting to make sure he was safe。 Brad wasn't afraid of breaking the rules； he was only afraid of being caught breaking them。 And in that； too； he was like Percy Wetmore； who would never let you forget he was the governor's nephew。 〃Old as you are； its a miracle you can remember who you are。 You're too goddam old。 Even for a museum like this。 You give me the fucking creeps； Paulie。〃
〃Let go of me；〃 I said； trying to keep the whine out of my voice。 It wasn't just pride； either。 I thought if he heard it； it might inflame him； the way the smell of sweat can sometimes inflame a bad…tempered dog … one which would otherwise only growl … to bite。 That made me think of a rep