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opinion； for I set no value on it； but that you may prehend； when
you think of your dear friend and his dear wife； what I mean by hating。
Shall I give you something I have written and put by for your perusal；
or shall I hold my hand？'
Arthur begged her to give it to him。 She went to the bureau； unlocked
it； and took from an inner drawer a few folded sheets of paper。 Without
any conciliation of him； scarcely addressing him； rather speaking as if
she were speaking to her own looking…glass for the justification of her
own stubbornness； she said； as she gave them to him：
'Now you may know what I mean by hating！ No more of that。 Sir； whether
you find me temporarily and cheaply lodging in an empty London house； or
in a Calais apartment； you find Harriet with me。 You may like to see
her before you leave。 Harriet； e in！' She called Harriet again。 The
second call produced Harriet； once Tattycoram。
'Here is Mr Clennam；' said Miss Wade； 'not e for you； he has given
you up；……I suppose you have； by this time？'
'Having no authority； or influence……yes；' assented Clennam。
'Not e in search of you； you see； but still seeking some one。 He
wants that Blandois man。'
'With whom I saw you in the Strand in London；' hinted Arthur。 'If you
know anything of him； Harriet； except that he came from Venice……which
we all know……tell it to Mr Clennam freely。' 'I know nothing more about
him；' said the girl。
'Are you satisfied？' Miss Wade inquired of Arthur。
He had no reason to disbelieve them； the girl's manner being so natural
as to be almost convincing； if he had had any previous doubts。 He
replied； 'I must seek for intelligence elsewhere。'
He was not going in the same breath； but he had risen before the girl
entered； and she evidently thought he ；
and said：
'Are they well； sir？'
'Who？'
She stopped herself in saying what would have been 'all of them；'
glanced at Miss Wade； and said 'Mr and Mrs Meagles。'
'They were； when I last heard of them。 They are not at home。 By the way；
let me ask you。 Is it true that you were seen there？'
'Where？ Where does any one say I was seen？' returned the girl； sullenly
casting down her eyes。
'Looking in at the garden gate of the cottage。'
'No；' said Miss Wade。 'She has never been near it。'
'You are wrong； then；' said the girl。 'I went down there the last time
we were in London。 I went one afternoon when you left me alone。 And I
did look in。'
'You poor…spirited girl；' returned Miss Wade with infinite contempt；
'does all our panionship； do all our conversations； do all your old
plainings； tell for so little as that？'
'There was no harm in looking in at the gate for an instant；' said the
girl。 'I saw by the windows that the family were not there。'
'Why should you go near the place？'
'Because I wanted to see it。 Because I felt that I should like to look
at it again。'
As each of the two handsome faces looked at the other； Clennam felt how
each of the two natures must be constantly tearing the other to pieces。
'Oh！' said Miss Wade； coldly subduing and removing her glance； 'if you
had any desire to see the place where you led the life from which I
rescued you because you had found out what it was； that is another
thing。 But is that your truth to me？ Is that your fidelity to me？ Is
that the mon cause I make with you？ You are not worth the confidence
I have placed in you。 You are not worth the favour I have shown you。 You
are no higher than a spaniel； and had better go back to the people who
did worse than whip you。'
'If you speak so of them with any one else by to hear； you'll provoke me
to take their part；' said the girl。
'Go back to them；' Miss Wade retorted。 'Go back to them。'
'You know very well；' retorted Harriet in her turn； 'that I won't go
back to them。 You know very well that I have thrown them off； and never
can； never shall； never will； go back to them。 Let them alone； then；
Miss Wade。'
'You prefer their plenty to your less fat living here；' she rejoined。
'You exalt them； and slight me。 What else should I have expected？ I
ought to have known it。'
'It's not so；' said the girl； flushing high； 'and you don't say what you
mean。 I know what you mean。 You are reproaching me； underhanded； with
having nobody but you to look to。 And because I have nobody but you
to look to； you think you are to make me do； or not do； everything you
please； and are to put any affront upon me。 You are as bad as they were；
every bit。 But I ade submissive。 I will
say again that I went to look at the house； because I had often thought
that I should like to see it once more。 I will ask again how they are；
because I once liked them and at times thought they were kind to me。'
Hereupon Clennam said that he was sure they would still receive her
kindly； if she should ever desire to return。
'Never！' said the girl passionately。 'I shall never do that。 Nobody
knows that better than Miss Wade； though she taunts me because she has
made me her dependent。 And I know I am so； and I know she is overjoyed
when she can bring it to my mind。'
'A good pretence！' said Miss Wade； with no less anger； haughtiness； and
bitterness； 'but too threadbare to cover what I plainly see in this。 My
poverty will not bear petition with their money。 Better go back at
once； better go back at once； and have done with it！'
Arthur Clennam looked at them； standing a little distance asunder in the
dull confined room； each proudly cherishing her own anger； each； with
a fixed determination； torturing her own breast； and torturing the
other's。 He said a word or two of leave…taking； but Miss Wade barely
inclined her head； and Harriet； with the assumed humiliation of an
abject dependent and serf （but not without defiance for all that）； made
as if she were too low to notice or to be noticed。
He came down the dark winding stairs into the yard with an increased
sense upon him of the gloom of the wall that was dead； and of the shrubs
that were dead； and of the fountain that was dry； and of the statue that
was gone。 Pondering much on what he had seen and heard in that house；
as well as on the failure of all his efforts to trace the suspicious
character who was lost； he returned to London and to England by the
packet that had taken him over。 On the way he unfolded the sheets of
paper； and read in them what is reproduced in the next chapter。
CHAPTER 21。 The History of a Self…Tormentor
I have the misfortune of not being a fool。 From a very early age I have
detected what those about me thought they hid from me。 If I could have
been habitually imposed upon； instead of habitually discerning the
truth； I might have lived as smoothly as most fools do。
My childhood was passed with a grandmother； that is to say； with a lady
who represented that relative to me； and who took that title on herself。
She had no claim to it； but I……being to that extent a little fool……had
no suspicion of her。 She had some children of her own family in her
house； and some children of other people。 All girls； ten in number；
including me。 We all lived together and were educated together。
I must have been about twelve years old when I began to see how
determinedly those girls patronised me。 I was told I was an orphan。
There was no other orphan among us； and I perceived （here was the
first disadvantage of not being a fool） that they conciliated me in an
insolent pity； and in a sense of superiority。 I did not set this down
as a discovery； rashly。 I tried them often。 I could hardly make them
quarrel with me。 When I succeeded with any of them； they were sure to
e after an hour or two； and begin a reconciliation。 I tried them over
and over again； and I never knew them wait for me to begin。 They were
always forgiving me； in their vanity and condescension。 Little images of
grown people！
One of them was my chosen friend。 I loved that stupid mite in a
passionate way that she could no more deserve than I can remember
without feeling ashamed of； though I was but a child。 She had what they
called an amiable temper； an affectionate temper。 She could distribute；
and did distribute pretty looks and smiles to every one among them。 I
believe there was not a s