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influence。'
I smiled； thinking of the experience the word awakened； and said； 'I
have an unhappy temper； I suppose。' 'I did not say that。'
'It is an easy way of accounting for anything；' said I。
'It may be； but I did not say so。 What I wish to approach is something
very different。 My husband and I have exchanged some remarks upon the
subject； when we have observed with pain that you have not been easy
with us。'
'Easy？ Oh！ You are such great people； my lady；' said I。
'I am unfortunate in using a word which may convey a meaning……and
evidently does……quite opposite to my intention。' （She had not expected
my reply； and it shamed her。） 'I only mean； not happy with us。 It is
a difficult topic to enter on； but； from one young woman to another；
perhaps……in short； we have been apprehensive that you may allow some
family circumstances of which no one can be more innocent than yourself；
to prey upon your spirits。 If so； let us entreat you not to make them
a cause of grief。 My husband himself； as is well known； formerly had a
very dear sister who was not in law his sister； but who was universally
beloved and respected。
I saw directly that they had taken me in for the sake of the dead woman；
whoever she was； and to have that boast of me and advantage of me； I
saw； in the nurse's knowledge of it； an encouragement to goad me as
she had done； and I saw； in the children's shrinking away； a vague
impression； that I was not like other people。 I left that house that
night。
After one or two short and very similar experiences； which are not to
the present purpose； I entered another family where I had but one pupil：
a girl of fifteen； who was the only daughter。 The parents here were
elderly people： people of station； and rich。 A nephew whom they had
brought up was a frequent visitor at the house； among many other
visitors； and he began to pay me attention。
I was resolute in repulsing him； for I had determined when I went
there； that no one should pity me or condescend to me。 But he wrote me a
letter。 It led to our being engaged to be married。
He was a year younger than I； and young…looking even when that allowance
was made。 He was on absence from India； where he had a post that was
soon to grow into a very good one。 In six months we were to be married；
and were to go to India。 I was to stay in the house； and was to be
married from the house。 Nobody objected to any part of the plan。
I cannot avoid saying he admired me； but； if I could； I would。 Vanity
has nothing to do with the declaration； for his admiration worried me。
He took no pains to hide it； and caused me to feel among the rich people
as if he had bought me for my looks； and made a show of his purchase to
justify himself。 They appraised me in their own minds； I saw； and were
curious to ascertain what my full value was。 I resolved that they
should not know。 I was immovable and silent before them； and would have
suffered any one of them to kill me sooner than I would have laid myself
out to bespeak their approval。
He told me I did not do myself justice。 I told him I did； and it was
because I did and meant to do so to the last； that I would not stoop to
propitiate any of them。 He was concerned and even shocked； when I added
that I wished he would not parade his attachment before them； but he
said he would sacrifice even the honest impulses of his affection to my
peace。
Under that pretence he began to retort upon me。 By the hour together； he
would keep at a distance from me； talking to any one rather than to me。
I have sat alone and unnoticed； half an evening； while he conversed with
his young cousin； my pupil。 I have seen all the while； in people's eyes；
that they thought the two looked nearer on an equality than he and I。
I have sat； divining their thoughts； until I have felt that his young
appearance made me ridiculous； and have raged against myself for ever
loving him。
For I did love him once。 Undeserving as he was； and little as he thought
of all these agonies that it cost me……agonies which should have made him
wholly and gratefully mine to his life's end……I loved him。 I bore with
his cousin's praising him to my face； and with her pretending to think
that it pleased me； but full well knowing that it rankled in my breast；
for his sake。 While I have sat in his presence recalling all my slights
and wrongs； and deliberating whether I should not fly from the house at
once and never see him again……I have loved him。
His aunt （my Mistress you will please to remember） deliberately；
wilfully； added to my trials and vexations。 It was her delight to
expatiate on the style in which we were to live in India； and on the
establishment we should keep； and the pany we should entertain when
he got his advancement。 My pride rose against this barefaced way of
pointing out the contrast my married life was to present to my then
dependent and inferior position。 I suppressed my indignation； but I
showed her that her intention was not lost upon me； and I repaid her
annoyance by affecting humility。 What she described would surely be
a great deal too much honour for me； I would tell her。 I was afraid
I might not be able to support so great a change。 Think of a mere
governess； her daughter's governess； ing to that high distinction！ It
made her uneasy； and made them all uneasy； when I answered in this way。
They knew that I fully understood her。
It was at the time when my troubles were at their highest； and when
I was most incensed against my lover for his ingratitude in caring as
little as he did for the innumerable distresses and mortifications I
underwent on his account； that your dear friend； Mr Gowan； appeared
at the house。 He had been intimate there for a long time； but had been
abroad。 He understood the state of things at a glance； and he understood
me。
He was the first person I had ever seen in my life who had understood
me。 He was not in the house three times before I knew that he
acpanied every movement of my mind。 In his coldly easy way with all
of them； and with me； and with the whole subject； I saw it clearly。
In his light protestations of admiration of my future husband； in his
enthusiasm regarding our engagement and our prospects； in his hopeful
congratulations on our future wealth and his despondent references to
his own poverty……all equally hollow； and jesting； and full of mockery……I
saw it clearly。 He made me feel more and more resentful； and more and
more contemptible； by always presenting to me everything that surrounded
me with some new hateful light upon it； while he pretended to exhibit
it in its best aspect for my admiration and his own。 He was like the
dressed…up Death in the Dutch series； whatever figure he took upon his
arm； whether it was youth or age； beauty or ugliness； whether he danced
with it； sang with it； played with it； or prayed with it； he made it
ghastly。
You will understand； then； that when your dear friend plimented me；
he really condoled with me； that when he soothed me under my vexations；
he laid bare every smarting wound I had； that when he declared my
'faithful swain' to be 'the most loving young fellow in the world； with
the tenderest heart that ever beat；' he touched my old misgiving that
I was made ridiculous。 These were not great services； you may say。 They
were acceptable to me； because they echoed my own mind； and confirmed
my own knowledge。 I soon began to like the society of your dear friend
better than any other。
When I perceived （which I did； almost as soon） that jealousy was growing
out of this； I liked this society still better。 Had I not been subject
to jealousy； and were the endurances to be all mine？ No。 Let him know
what it was！ I was delighted that he should know it； I was delighted
that he should feel keenly； and I hoped he did。
More than that。 He was tame in parison with Mr Gowan； who knew how
to address me on equal terms； and how to anatomise the wretched people
around us。
This went on； until the aunt； my Mistress； took it upon herself to speak
to me。 It was scarcely worth alluding to； she knew I meant nothing； but
she suggested from herself； knowing it was only necessary to suggest；
that it might be be