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“Mother； Shevket is mocking me。”
I left the black corner of the closet； quietly passing into the room across the
hall； where I removed the red broadcloth vest from the chest and put it on。
They’d spread out my mattress and were shouting and frolicking on it。
“Didn’t I warn you that when Black visits you aren’t to shout； did I not？”
“Mama； why did you put that red vest on？” Shevket asked。
“But Mother； Shevket was mocking me；” Orhan said。
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“Didn’t I tell you not to mock him？ And what’s this foul thing doing here？”
Off to the side there was a piece of animal hide。
“It’s a carcass；” Orhan said。 “Shevket found it on the street。”
“Quick； take it and throw it back where you found it； now。”
“Let Shevket do it。”
“I said now！”
As I would do before I slapped them； I bit my lower lip angrily； and seeing
how serious I really was； they fled in fright。 I hope they return soon so they
don’t catch cold。
Of all the miniaturists； I liked Black the best。 He liked me more than the
others did and I understood his soul。 I took out pen and paper； and in one
sitting； without having to think； I wrote the following：
All right then； before the evening prayer is called； I’ll meet you at the house of
the Hanged Jew。 Finish my father’s book as soon as possible。
I did not reply to Hasan。 Even if he was actually going to the judge today； I
didn’t believe that the men he and his father were assembling would raid our
house immediately。 If he were indeed ready to take such action he’d have done
so without writing a letter or awaiting my reply。 He’s surely awaiting my
response； and； when it doesn’t arrive； it’ll drive him mad。 Only then will he
begin assembling people and prepare to abduct me。 Don’t think I’m not afraid
of him at all。 But； I’m counting on Black to protect me。 Anyway； let me tell you
what’s going on in my heart just now： I believe I’m not so afraid of Hasan
because I love him as well。
If you object and think to yourselves； “Now what is this love about？” I’d
find you justified。 It’s not that I failed to notice during the years we waited
under the same roof for my husband’s return； how pitiful； weak and selfish
this man was。 But now that Esther tells me he earns a lot of money—and I can
always tell when she’s being truthful from her raised eyebrows—since he has
money； and with it self…confidence； the overbearing Hasan has surely
disappeared； exposing the dark； jinnlike peculiarity that attracts me to him。 I
discovered this side of him through the letters he stubbornly sent to me。
Both Black and Hasan have suffered for their love of me。 Black disappeared；
traveling for twelve years。 The other； Hasan； sent me letters every day； in the
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corners of which he’d illustrated birds and gazelles。 At first I was frightened of
him； but later； I loved to read his letters again and again。
As I well knew that Hasan was thoroughly curious about everything having
to do with me； I wasn’t surprised that he knew I’d seen my husband’s corpse
in a dream。 What I suspected was that Esther was letting Hasan read the
letters I’d sent to Black。 That’s why I sent no response to Black by way of
Esther。 You know better than I whether my suspicions are justified。
“Where were you？” I said to the children when they returned。
They quickly understood that I wasn’t really angry。 Discreetly； I pulled
Shevket aside； to the edge of the darkened closet。 I lifted him onto my lap。 I
kissed his head and the nape of his neck。
“You’re cold； my dear；” I said。 “Give me those pretty hands of yours so
Mother can warm them up…”
His hands had a foul smell； but I didn’t ment。 Pressing his head to my
bosom； I gave him a long hug。 In a short time he warmed up； relaxing like a
kitten； sweetly mewling with pleasure。
“So then； you love your mother quite a lot； don’t you？”
“Ummmhmmm。”
“Is that a ”yes‘？“
“Yes。”
“More than anybody else？”
“Yes。”
“Then I’m going to tell you something；” I said as if divulging a secret。 “But
you won’t tell anyone； all right？” I whispered in his ear： “I love you more than
anyone； you know that？”
“More than Orhan； even？”
“More than Orhan； even。 Orhan’s young； like a small bird； he doesn’t
understand anything。 You’re smarter； you’re able to understand。” I kissed and
smelled his hair。 “So； I’m going to ask you a favor。 Remember how you secretly
brought Black a blank piece of paper yesterday？ You’ll do the same today； all
right？”
“He’s the one who killed Father。”
“What？”
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“He killed my father。 He himself said so yesterday in the house of the
Hanged Jew。”
“What did he say？”
“”I killed your father；“ he said。 ”I’ve killed plenty of men；“ he said。”
Suddenly something happened。 Shevket slid down my lap and began to cry。
Why was this child crying now？ All right then； I confess； I must’ve been unable
to control myself just then； and I slapped him。 I wouldn’t want anyone to
think I was hard…hearted。 But how could he say such nonsense about a man
I’d been making arrangements to marry—and that； with the well…being of
these boys in mind。
My poor little fatherless boy was still crying； and all at once； this upset me
greatly。 I； too； was on the verge of tears。 We hugged each other。 He hiccuped
occasionally。 Did this slap merit so much crying？ I stroked his hair。
This is how it all began： The previous day； as you know； I’d told my father in
passing that I’d dreamed my husband had died。 Actually； as happened quite
frequently over these four years during which my husband never returned
from battling the Persians； I dreamed of him fleetingly； and there was also a
corpse； but was he the corpse？ This was a mystery to me。
Dreams are always used as a means to other ends。 In Portugal； from where
Esther’s grandmother had emigrated； it seems dreams were used as an excuse
to prove heretics met with the Devil and made love。 For example； even if
Esther’s forebears denied their Jewishness by declaring； “We’ve bee
Catholics like you；” the Jesuit torturers of the Portuguese Church；
unconvinced； would torture them； forcing them to describe the jinns and
demons of their dreams； as well as burdening them with dreams they never
had。 Then they’d force the Jews to confess these dreams so in the end they
could burn them at the stake。 In this way； dreams could be manipulated over
there； to show that people were having sex with the Devil and to accuse and
condemn Jews。
Dreams are good for three things：
ALIF：
You want something but you just can’t ask for it。 So you’ll say that
you’ve dreamed about it。 In this manner； you can ask for what you want
without actually asking for it。
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The dreams we recount are never the ones we actually see in our sleep。
When people say they’ve “seen it；” they simply describe the dream that is
“dreamed” during the day； and there’s always an underlying purpose。 Only an
idiot would describe his actual nighttime dreams exactly as he’s had them。 If
you do； everyone will make fun of you or； as always； interpret the dream as a
bad omen。 No one takes real dreams seriously； including those who dream
them。 Or； pray tell； do you？
Through a dream that I half…heartedly recounted； I hinted that my husband
might truly be dead。 Though my father at first wouldn’t accept this as an
indication of the truth； after returning from the funeral； he was suddenly
persuaded by the evidence of the dream； and concluded that my husband was
indeed dead。 Thus； everyone not only believed that my husband； who was
virtually immortal these past four years； had died in a dream； they couldn’t
have been more certain