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said here will not just remain between us： He will hear it all and one day He’ll
call you to account。 Fine； never mind why He’s provided you with that
conscience in the first instance； I agree； you’re justified in being afraid； and I’ll
forget about this question and the mud…versus…fire debate。 But there’s
something I’ll never forget—yes indeed； something I’ll always be proud of： I
never bowed down before man。
This； however； is precisely what the new European masters are doing； and
they’re not satisfied with merely depicting and displaying every single detail
down to the eye color； plexion； curvy lips； forehead wrinkles； rings and
disgusting ear hair of gentlemen； priests； wealthy merchants and even
women—including the lovely shadows that fall between their breasts。 These
artists also dare to situate their subjects in the center of the page； as if man
were meant to be worshiped； and display these portraits like idols before
which we should prostrate ourselves。 Is man important enough to warrant
being drawn in every detail； including his shadow？ If the houses on a street
were rendered according to man’s false perception that they gradually
diminish in size as they recede into the distance； wouldn’t man then
effectively be usurping Allah’s place at the center of the world？ Well； Allah；
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almighty and omnipotent； would know better than I。 But surely it’s absurd on
the face of it to credit me with the idea of these portraits； I； who having
refused to prostrate myself before man suffered untold pain and isolation； I；
who fell from God’s grace to bee the subject of curses。 It would be more
reasonable to hold me responsible； as some mullahs and preachers do； for all
the children who play with themselves and everyone who farts。
I have one last ment on this subject； but my words aren’t for men who
can’t think beyond their eagerness to show off； their carnal desires； lust for
money or other absurd passions！ Only God； in His infinite wisdom； will
understand me： Was it not You who instilled man with pride by making the
angels bow before him？ Now they regard themselves as Your angels were made
to regard them； men are worshiping themselves； placing themselves at the
center of the world。 Even your most devoted servants want to be depicted in
the style of the Frankish masters。 I know it as well as I know my own name
that this narcissism will end in their forgetting You entirely。 And I’m the one
who’ll be blamed。
How might I convince you that I don’t take all of this to heart？ Naturally；
by standing firmly on my own two feet despite centuries of merciless stonings；
curses； damnings and denouncements。 If only my angry and shallow enemies；
who never tire of condemning me； would remember that it was the Almighty
Himself who granted me life until Judgment Day； while allotting them no
more than sixty or seventy years。 If I were to advise them that they could
extend this period by drinking coffee； I knoe； because it
was Satan speaking； would do the exact opposite and refuse coffee entirely； or
worse yet； stand on their heads and try pouring it into their asses。
Don’t laugh。 It’s not the content； but the form of thought that counts。 It’s
not what a miniaturist paints； but his style。 Yet these things should be subtle。 I
was going to conclude with a love story； but it’s gotten quite late。 The honey…
tongued master storyteller who’s given me voice tonight promises to tell this
story of love when he hangs up the picture of a woman the day after
tomorrow； on Wednesday night。
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I； SHEKURE
I dreamed that my father was telling me inprehensible things； and it was
so terrifying that I woke up。 Shevket and Orhan were clinging tightly to me on
either side； and their warmth made me sweat。 Shevket had his hand on my
stomach。 Orhan was resting his sweaty head on my bosom。 Somehow； I was
able to get out of bed and leave the room without waking them。
I crossed the wide hallway and silently opened Black’s door。 In the light cast
by my candle； I couldn’t see him； only the edge of his white mattress which lay
like a shrouded body in the middle of the dark； cold room。 The candlelight
seemed unable to reach the mattress。
When I brought my hand even closer； the reddish…orange light of the candle
struck Black’s weary； unshaven face and naked shoulders。 I drew near to him。
Just as Orhan did； he slept curled up like a pill bug； and he wore the expression
of a sleeping maiden。
“This is my husband；” I said to myself。 He seemed so distant； so much a
stranger； that I was filled with sorrow。 If I’d had a dagger with me； I would’ve
murdered him—no； I didn’t actually want to do such a thing； I was only
wondering； the way children do； how it’d be if I killed him。 I didn’t believe
he’d lived for years through thoughts of me； neither in his innocent childlike
expression。
Prodding his shoulder with the edge of my bare foot； I woke him。 When he
saw me； he was startled more than enchanted and excited； if only for a
moment； just as I’d hoped。 Before he’d pletely e to his senses； I said：
“I dreamed I saw my father。 He confided something horrible to me： You
were the one who killed him…”
“Weren’t we together when your father was murdered？”
“I’m aware of this；” I said。 “But you knew that my father would be at home
all alone。”
“I did not。 You were the one who sent the children out with Hayriye。 Only
Hayriye； and perhaps Esther； knew about it。 And as for whoever else might’ve
known； you’d have a better idea than I。”
“There are times I feel an inner voice is about to tell me why everything has
gone so badly； the secret of all of our misfortune。 I open my mouth so that
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voice might speak； but as in a dream； I make no sound。 You’re no longer the
good and naive Black of my childhood。”
“That naive Black was driven away by you and your father。”
“If you’ve married me to take revenge on my father； you’ve acplished
your goal。 Maybe this is why the children don’t like you。”
“I know；” he said without sorrow。 “Before going to bed you were
downstairs for a while。 They were chanting ”Black； Black； my ass’s crack；“ loud
enough so I could hear。”
“You should’ve given them a beating；” I said； at first half…wishing he’d done
so。 Then I added in a panic； “If you raise a hand against them； I’ll kill you。”
“Get into bed；” he said。 “Or you’ll freeze to death。”
“Maybe I’ll never get into your bed。 Maybe we’ve made a mistake by
getting married。 They say our ceremony has no legitimacy before the law。 Do
you know I heard Hasan’s footsteps before I fell asleep？ It’s not surprising；
when I was living in the house of my late husband； I heard Hasan’s footsteps
for years。 The children like him。 And he’s merciless； that one。 He has a red
sword； take care to guard yourself against it。”
I saw something so weary and so stern in Black’s eyes that I knew I
wouldn’t be able to scare him。
“Of the two of us； you’re the one with more hope and the one with more
sadness；” I said。 “I’m just struggling not to be unhappy and to protect my
children； whereas you’re stubbornly trying to prove yourself。 It’s not because
you love me。”
He went on at length about how much he loved me； how he always thought
only of me in desolate caravansaries； on barren mountains and during snowy
nights。 If he hadn’t said these things； I would’ve awakened the children and
returned to my former husband’s house。 Because I had the urge； I said the
following：
“Sometimes it seems that my former husband might return at any time。 It’s
not that I fear being caught in the middle of the nigh